Dependency

QA240 QUESTION: The man that I’m living with is a musician and I think he’s very good at what he does. This also seems to be the reaction of the other people. But when I go to hear him play, he experiences himself as not playing well at all and it’s very painful for him. I don’t understand why there should be such a big gap in what we both experience. I’ve become very tense about the whole thing – there is a lot of anxiety in me.

ANSWER: Well, the reason for his experiencing his music as inadequate is only a reflection of the way he feels about his person. He has, for a long time, identified his value in his music. When this happens, then it will not work. Even if the success comes, it does not appear that way because it is a pseudosolution.

This person will have to go through the deeper layers of his own inner being and explore his self-rejection and his self-hate, connect exactly with the reasons why, and on the Path, resolve this. Then he will have a more realistic grasp of his own value and where the real value lies, and also in what he expresses. He will no longer confuse the one with the other.

As to your own discomfort, that comes from assuming a responsibility there out of your own anxiety – that you have to provide him with his happiness and his self-esteem – otherwise you will lose him. Every time he is unhappy, you feel a loss.

I do not know whether you can connect with these feelings, but that is what is taking place here. So you too take it upon yourself to gain your own self-acceptance and self-value through being loved. For that you have entered into a subliminal arrangement where you guarantee him happiness so that he will give you your value, where you guarantee him his value so that he will give you yours.

 

QA255 QUESTION: I’ve been in my current relationship because of a deep love and a task I’ve felt we’ve had together. In this current crisis we are in, I’m not sure if my task is to be with him or if I’m hanging on out of fear of facing the place in me that feels unlovable. Would you please give me your guidance?

ANSWER: I cannot say whether this particular soul is meant to be your mate. He might well be, if you both work out your problems. If not, you will later find someone who will be appropriate for you. So much depends on your free will. The way you pose the question is as if this is a fixed, predetermined edict.

Both of your decisions will determine your fate together, without necessarily infringing upon your spiritual task either way. In other words, what I am trying to convey is that you could stay together and fulfill your tasks, or not. Or you could separate and fulfill your tasks, or not. But if you continue to grow and resolve the residual problems, you will not be alone in your task. You will have a mate with whom you will share your personal path, your personal growth, as well as your task for others.

The fear you mention is part of the residual problem. It indicates that this man means more to you than the actuality of what he really is – more than your mate, more than what a real relationship could ever fulfill. The fear indicates that you do not believe yet that you can stand on your own two feet and be self-responsible. So you need someone else who takes over for you.

It is precisely this fear that becomes a burden for both of you. And he has a similar fear, but it may express differently. He is more afraid of the consequences of his and your dependency, and thus he confuses what an adult relationship is with what a childish relationship expects and can never live up to. Therefore, you feel fear.

This is what you should work on. You should ferret out how you expect him to give you value as a woman and as a human being. You should become aware of your fear that without such a mate you become valueless. This belief is exactly what stands in the way to a wonderful, comfortable and easy, yet exciting relationship.

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