QA199 QUESTION: I know people care about me, but it’s very hard for me to accept it. I think somewhere I’m going to lose it. And in the work I feel like I’m going to lose my Helper because I’m not such a good Worker. And so I go into this “I don’t deserve this; why am I having this instead of other people.” And I’m thinking, “I know somewhere this must be false.” I feel like I’m into this work and at times the feelings are sort of overwhelming in a beautiful way, but I just feel like I’m going to lose it.
ANSWER: To the degree you fear losing the good feelings, you still believe that somebody else is giving them to you. It is to the degree that there is this kind of dependency in you, and even the demand “give me the good feelings; you must give me the good feelings!” whoever “you” may be – life, other people, your parents, whoever – to that degree you must be in fear that something can be taken from you.
It is necessary that you realize your good feelings are within you, that your center is within you. To the degree you realize that, you will know that you will always find others, because this center of your good feelings, of your willingness to give, your courage to risk giving and loving, will unavoidably bring those toward you who are equally capable of – because they’re willing to – giving to you.
But it is your richness of feeling that can only be taken away when you close up in fear and distrust, in cowardice, pride, hate, anger and whatever. It can only be taken from you as you take it from yourself. As you take away from others, you take away from yourself. All the negative feelings that begin to be expressed in this work – and this is wonderful that this happens – you will see so clearly from this awareness and acceptance that you withhold the good feelings, and then you blame others for the feeling of being deserted and lonely and miserable.
You put it all on the other person. You do not assume responsibility, even as you admit you do not want to love and give. You still feel you have a reason to be spiteful to others, because you feel impoverished. Your new experience is a result of your opening up, but the opening up has to be fortified by your commitment to let go of your defense, and to give the best toward life – the most honest and best that is in you.
If you will make every day a meditation in which you express this, and if you also meditate that you want to see exactly where you withhold from life, that you do not want that goodwill to cover up where aspects of you do not express this goodwill, but you want to see it and transform this negative will of withholding.
By admitting your hate and your negativity and your destructiveness and your bad will – by really admitting it – it loses so much of its power. The power is only great when you do not even know you have it, and when it comes out indirectly by withholding and by acting out into life. You are not even aware of this, but that is nevertheless a very strong manifestation.
Of course, people affect others with their negativities; they cannot help doing so. But the straight, honest admission that takes responsibility upon the self diminishes this negative influence to a very large degree.
QUESTION: Would that be in spite of the intensity of the feeling that goes into it?
ANSWER: It is because of the honest intense expression that the effect is diminished. The effect is strong when it festers underground and comes out on an unconscious level from one psychic center to the other.
QUESTION: I find myself blocking out a lot of what you’re saying. And that’s typical of what I do when I block out many feelings. Those feelings are actually blocking out even deeper feelings – both need and then hate, and then spite, and ego. And then passivity freezes the whole thing, so I don’t have to feel it. I just would like to know how to face those feelings and get through the layer.
ANSWER: Yes. The first, perhaps, is to realize that the blocking means fear. Perhaps in your work with your Helpers, also in group and in all the various facets of the work, you can really face the fear. Get in touch with the fear. Feel the fear. Have the courage to fully face it and go through it and experience it. And from there you will come to the next feeling. The fear will then transform itself to other feelings. Do you understand?
QUESTION: Yeah. I’m afraid of that fear.
ANSWER: Yes. When you’re afraid of the fear, you create a more alienating process of perpetuating the fear. It is like being angry about your anger, etcetera. So you have to stop the fear of fear by going into the fear, by making up your mind to squarely go into it, like going into a tunnel and feeling it and experiencing it and exploring it and savoring it and testing it.
All of you could go into life by going into your feelings, not avoiding life and feelings. This is what makes you so miserable. This is the only way to transcend the fear – by going into it – and you can do this. You can take it on in any little individual aspect. Your fear of hearing these words, the fear of the meaning, you can confront this in you. What exactly is it that you fear?
Sometimes you can really feel the fear. Sometimes even the knowledge “I fear this and that” will already be a relief and a clarification of your energies and make you more there, centered within yourself.