Fear of Closeness

QA139 QUESTION: I have quite a few relationships that are sort of beginning to slip away from me. I feel that I’m suddenly rejecting all these people because I feel that they, in turn, have suddenly rejected me. However, I feel that the burden of the relationship falls rather on me, because the initiative lies with me, being a male. And I wonder if you might elaborate on that – on my need to reject, which seems to be very strong?

ANSWER: Yes. You see, your need to reject is, of course, the result of your fear of a real closeness. This is not only a fear of being rejected, although that exists too. The fear is actually greater of being accepted and what to do then, and what may be expected of you, and that you may fail to do the necessary part in maintaining a relationship.

There is something somewhere in you – as well as in other people, but we will take this from a more personal point of view – unconsciously or even half consciously a vague idea that it is a difficult thing to relate to another human being. You make it a much more difficult thing than it actually is.

This has to do with what I mentioned to you the last time in connection with a different question. But it is the same common denominator – namely, that you see the world and people, not as they really are, but in a distorted way. Of course, it is evident that we know this, that wherever unhappiness or any negative emotions exists, it must be because reality is misinterpreted.

But it is another matter to discover this for oneself in exact detail. Now, I keep saying to all of my friends, over and over and over, pinpoint exactly what it is you assume. Then consider the fact that your assumption may be incorrect and that you merely set out to see the truth, really the truth, after questioning what you see may not necessarily be the truth.

Most of you have advanced to the state where you vaguely accept the fact – but as a theory and principle, rather than as a specific reality – that you may be mistaken and that your emotions and your reactions may not be commensurate with the reality situation. However, you have not yet undertaken the next step, which is to exactly pinpoint in what respect do you feel things in a distorted way.

This applies to you particularly about the topic of relationship. What is it that you think is expected of you, my friend? As soon as you will take this particular question out of its vagueness, out of its hazy, foggy climate, and pinpoint exactly what you think is expected of you when you get closer to a human being, in that moment you will make a substantial step toward liberation from your illusion.

You see, the stronger the illusion is with an individual, the harder it seems to be to pinpoint exactly what one believes. One is tempted to sort of glibly go over it. The more one is in reality, the easier it is to objectify one’s self in relationship to the situation and to pinpoint exactly, “I believe this and this may be incorrect, but this is what I feel.” Then one is already a great step nearer to reality.

Now, this is what is extremely important with you. You correctly surmise that you are withdrawing because contact means a threat to you. It is more than a physical threat. It is more than your fear of rejection. The fear of your own negative feelings, of course, exists, but that too is a result of the fear of relating.

This is what you have to bring yourself to pinpoint in exact words. What do you think is expected of you? Where and how and why do you believe you may fail in fulfilling these expectations? And are these expectations real, or do you only imagine that they may be thrust upon you? This is how you have to proceed here. Do you understand?

QUESTION: Yes. I think so. I seem to feel, however, that to pinpoint means to actually confront the other person.

ANSWER: No. Only to yourself. You have to pinpoint yourself. In your work, with your Helper, what is it you believe that, in a closer contact, is expected of you – you have to pronounce it. Whether it is true or not will then be a second question.

First of all, in some instances you will see that the moment you even pinpoint the question – what you believe is expected – the answer will already be clear to you, because your reason will make you see that it is so preposterous that this, of course, cannot be reality.

In other instances you will be more uncertain, and you will have to do a little probing and a little observing before you can find out whether or not it is true. This must be the work. You do not have to confront anyone else, except your own belief – what you believe. That is what has to be confronted.

Now you see, this constant preoccupation and compulsion with confronting others comes from a misunderstood message of your higher self. For your higher self pushes you toward self-confrontation, confrontation of exactly what it is you believe and what exactly you expect and what you think others expect.

This is what you ought to confront. And your conscious mind misinterprets this and projects it on to others, in which you feel compelled to confront others. It is you you have to confront – your belief. You have to confront these beliefs whether or not they are based on truthful perception.

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