QA247 QUESTION: Every time I reach a certain level of self inquiry about my feelings about my mother, I hit a blank wall that has proven until now impenetrable. I do not seem to be able, or to want, to make certain connections between my mother, my sexuality, and the woman’s sexuality, which has reflected strongly in the relationships I’ve been involved with, both in the past and in the present. My Helpers insist these connections are indispensable if I’m going to resolve the old issues with my mother and be free to relate to the woman in my present, adult life. Recently in my session, my Helper postulated that the narcolepsy was put on my path as a necessary step to help me confront the sexuality issue which I might otherwise have skipped. This somehow feels right, yet, I lack many connections still. Can you help?
ANSWER: My friend, I want to tell you that what prevents you from allowing yourself all your feelings of love and sexuality for the woman, without your ego control, is more complicated than your feelings toward your mother.
There is, for example, a tremendous fear in you that if you are angry with your father, rather than your mother, you will lose his protection and will be threatened with the wrath of someone so much stronger than you, or your mother. This is partially the reason why many of your feelings of fear and hate are displaced onto the woman – mother – who is somehow less dangerous.
Then there is another element here. A particularly strong identification with your father, coupled with the typical partiality of the child – either father is right and therefore good, or mother is, which must make one of them bad – makes it expedient to distrust and blame the woman. Your identification with the father then carries it over into your life. If the woman cannot be trusted and is somehow your enemy, then you are exonerated and never have to face your own guilt toward her.
So within your soul you are in a perpetual state of division, of artificial either/or, which creates a battle in you. This battle exhausts you, which partially accounts for the spells of tuning out of the world around you. It is your psyche saying, “I cannot cope with all that.” Falling asleep is also a means to not face the dilemma that is very painful for you. Of course, every symptom and negative manifestation can always be used as a medicine, as a way shower.
Connected with all that is a very strong sense of guilt for any wrong doing. If you or your loved ones are wrong, it seems irretrievably catastrophic to you. A sense of acceptance of the human incomplete state is lacking. And above all, you need the inner vision that change and purification are always available and are actually your inescapable destiny.
This sense of guilt makes any recognition of your negativity, of your lower self, almost unbearable. And it is also the cause of having to choose between father and mother and keeping the one clean who is more important for your security as a child. Now, as a man, if the woman is lovable, you see yourself automatically as unacceptable and you lose all your ground under your feet.
This is why you cannot reconcile yourself to fully loving her. The dilemma of the child in regard to your parents is now carried over into your own life, in which you are as your father, the woman as your mother.
Part of these truths you may have seen and recognized along your path, but you have never truly taken these discoveries inside and fully permitted yourself to see their total ramifications and significance. What you need to do is to see it fully, on all levels, and to spend energy and time to “feel it through,” as it were.
Feel it as it was when you were a child. Feel it now. Synchronize the two. When you no longer resist feeling this dilemma, you will become aware of the artificiality of it and will be liberated. You will be able to truly perceive both parents as human beings who are both right and wrong and can be respected, partially agreed with, and partially disagreed with.
When you can then apply this to you and the woman you love, you will be free of this burden that prevents you from expanding into lovingness and a real relationship. It will simultaneously liberate you from excessive guilt and transform the guilt into a constructive motor force for transformation.
Pray for this approach and follow it through as much as possible, and I can promise you without a doubt that you will be set free. Love and blessings are given you anew now to fortify you on your further path, a path that is so blessed.