QA249 QUESTION: Since I’ve given birth, I’ve experienced a major change in myself and/or perhaps gained a clearer view of some parts I was unwilling to see before. Yet my energies feel dispersed, not flowing as well through my body, and my mind is often unfocused and forgetful. I see myself lately as often angry, bitter, rebellious toward God and life, self-centered, wanting to be alone, and at the same time more and more deeply yearning to give over and connect with God and Jesus Christ and to connect with my core and allow a state of beingness to manifest inside with a strong and loving inner authority. Would you please give me some guidance on what is actually happening to me on my Path right now – in regards to the energy dispersement, mental unfocus, and general negative state? Also, what was the meaning of the cesarean birth for my baby and for me? And I would appreciate help in understanding the meaning of the almost continuous physical discomforts and pains my baby has had – mild colic or gas pains for two months, then sinus problems, a cold and ear infections.
ANSWER: The problem is not the cesarean itself, so much as your attitude toward it. In fact, this attitude created the necessity for it in the first place, as well as being the cause of your dwelling on this now. Let us see exactly what this attitude is. You feel a great deal of pride in an ideal of motherhood, of giving birth, of taking care of your child. This pride contains an element of showing off – of appearance value, rather than being value. [Lecture #232 Being Values Versus Appearance Values – Self-Identification]
Appearance value, here, means, “I’m the best mother. Everyone else should do it as I do. I shall set the right example. No one does it as well as I.” Being value, here, would mean a total lack of concern with any of the above and giving the best you have to give merely for the sake of the child, even if it is not perfect – making the best of what the situation is now, including your imperfect, incomplete state.
Spiritual law works its inexorable ways. The very attitude I have described creates an inner tension and contraction. It does not permit the free flow of energy – it prohibits inner and outer relaxation. Thus, it becomes in itself the block that manifested physically in the necessity of the cesarean. After the cesarean had taken place, you unwittingly continued with the same attitude that created it to begin with.
It could have been that the experience might have loosened you up in this respect. It is conceivable that the appearance of this new entity that you ushered into physical manifestation would have taken precedence in your consciousness. You could have let go of the whole self-image imbedded in this problem.
You could have stopped dwelling on why and how and joyfully turned to your life, including all that you have to enjoy, that you can give love to and receive love from, even if all is not perfect in you and your surroundings. Instead, you chose to perpetuate this attitude. The further result was that you lost touch with having this attitude. You no longer could articulate and define it, which then causes confusion, disconnection and alienation from your core.
All the symptoms you cite – resentments, unfocus, inability to concentrate and enjoy your life, general negativity – are further links in the chain reaction. These feelings are energy irritants that directly affect the energy body of your child. This irritation is then quickly somatized by the little entity.
Now, again, I want to emphasize that no one is a victim, not even a baby. Your baby came to you precisely because it fit exactly into the existing condition of you and your mate’s psyche. This includes the positive, as well as the negative ones – the problems, as well as the psychic substance that is already liberated.
If your son now experiences some pain and discomfort, this is what he needs for his own soul development. So you should neither indulge in a debilitating guilt and self-rejection that assumes total responsibility for all his pain, nor should you become callous in a half-truth that says, “It does not matter what I do; he has his own karma.”
I suggest that you work on the problem as I outlined it here with more awareness and more direct focus; that you become more conscious of it and articulate it clearly in your own mind; that you visualize yourself in a state of being value in this regard and give up the prideful perfectionism that spoils all you could experience now. God gives you blessings and help for it. Christ is with you in your endeavor.